MY HISTORY OF ADOPTION AND INFERTILITY RESEARCH AND CLINICAL PRACTICE

Adoption, like marriage, is an institution; an opportunity, not a commodity. It does not come with a guarantee. Life itself is an opportunity––to heal and create our own happiness––without making it conditional on the love, approval, or morality of any one person or group.  When we err, or are wronged, we heal best by positive self-empowerment, and by peacefully inspiring healthier policies and more transparent, accountable institutions

Dr. Maryl Millard was one of numerous pioneer “open” adoption reformers in the United States who, from the late 1970’s onward, provided research, education and psychotherapy focused on the emotional crises of birth/first mothers, first fathers, adoptees, and infertile adoptive parents. Her master’s thesis (The Hidden Side of Adoption, 1981) focused on the psychological impact of secrecy in “closed” adoptions.

As we have learned since then, a lot more than legally enforced secrecy/confidentiality been carried out by adoption professionals and adopting parents––illegal practices in international and domestic adoption have been exposed and documented; enough to show that an unknown percentage of adoptions past and present, involve human trafficking. Sometimes the adopting parents are colluding in illegal adoptions, and in other cases, adopting parents are unaware that the adoption “professionals” they are working with are traffickers.

Secrecy creates closeted grief and developmental issues for birth/first parents and adoptees and provides no legal recourse to locate and invite a lost relative into a relationship. Secrecy harms adoptive parents’ ability to inform their children about their first parents, and also encourages adoptive parents to avoid working through their unrealistic fears––that the adopted child’s birth/first parents will locate them and alienate them from their children. Only a small number of adoptive parents take steps to open their closed adoptions for the benefit of all concerned.

As a birth/first mother involved in adoption reform and research, Maryl helped many adoption triad members search for lost family throughout the 80’s and 90’s and counseled them through reunions. She completed her own search for her daughters and has had the good fortune to meet them. Unfortunately, she has had no opportunity to get acquainted with their adoptive parents. Her experiences with adoption search/reunion made her determined to find out why adoptive parents were so fragile, insecure, and distrustful of birth/first parents.

The adoptees in her master’s research were aware of this fragility, often describing their parents as pathologically ‘phobic’ regarding birthparents. Adoptees often felt obligated to protect their parents, often searching in secret or not searching at all. Maryl knew these parents were protecting deep wounds to their self-esteem due to their infertility and subsequent adoption experiences. This led to the focus she chose for her doctoral dissertation.